This is a very personal journal, feel free to ignore it if you don't feel like reading it.
Ever since I left my job (about 5 months ago) I started working out and exercising more
I started by going to the gym (running, walking, stretching,lifting some very light weights, the basics so I wouldn't harm myself). However, I've never liked going to the gym, I hated being there, all those walls built around me, the equipment, idk--- Something didn't feel right there. And this is basically the main reason why I started swimming.
Today I went to the gym, I greeted the only guy in there, doing some exercises on the treadmill, he left 10 minutes after I started working out though. And here is the thing; after I had finished my business there, I felt VERY HAPPY about myself, my mood was lifted and everything seemed great about that gym.
On my way back, I started wondering why today was different, maybe it was just my mood, by any chance...? No, it couldn't be, there were times I went to gym with such a great mood and left that hell feeling a lot worse.
And that's how I've come to notice about how bad my paranoia is. ever since puberty hit me, I've been developing a paranoia about people and their thoughts; whenever I go to a new place (filled with strangers) I feel terribly judged. Even though they don't do absolutely /anything/ to show any sort or anger or hatred against me, my imagination creates a whole hell in my mind; all I hear in my head is "who does she think she is?", "she is so ridiculous", and so on.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate people. I'd rather say I'm scared of most of them. I just have a terrible time getting to know them irl (for some reason, I feel a lot safer when I meet people on the internet).
In the end, I've never hated the gym itself, everything was in my mind. I just created this very uncomfortable atmosphere and God knows why;;;.
I'm very paranoiac when it comes to social experiences. I despise the thought of being hated or being a burden to someone and that's why I end up doing extra work sometimes, I'm just stupid please bear with me
I really try very hard not to care about other people's thoughts, and trust me, it's nearly impossible to me.
I'm slowly growing stronger as I mature, but for now, I'll just try to block my paranoia welp I'm gonna try my best, let's just wish for the best.
This is probably why I don't aim for being popular or famous. I mean, most people do their best to gain recognition and fame; I just don't think I'd be able to take all the hate that comes along with the love. pfft as if I'd ever be popular---
And now is the time when I interact with you! Hooorray!
Have you ever felt like that? Do you do anything to fight against this feeling?